my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
