you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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