how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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