If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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