She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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