White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
