Do you still have your period?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
