my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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