Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
