i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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