dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
