He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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