Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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