She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My balls are so social today.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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