I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
