did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
