please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
