If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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