Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
