I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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