I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
