He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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