So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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