I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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