why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
