I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
