Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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