This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
