Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
