Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
