i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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