I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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