alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
