did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
