Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
