so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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