Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
