he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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