I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
