dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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