I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
