She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
