I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
