before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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