Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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