the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
