trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
