Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
