so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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