i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
